ANAHEIM — In a move that has already sent Disney Adults into a collective, merchandise-fueled spiral, sources confirm that Space Mountain’s long-feared “refurbishment” will be revealed Saturday during Josh D’Amaro’s Horizon presentation, hosted by Neil Patrick Harris in a sequined spacesuit that somehow still manages to look understated next to the new ride vehicles.
According to multiple leaks that somehow all arrived via the same anonymous Discord server, the classic dual-track indoor coaster will be reduced to a single track. Guests will sit side-by-side in “more social” seating so they can high-five strangers while screaming. The queue will now feature multiple retail opportunities, and the post-show will culminate in a convenient merchandise pickup window so no one has to carry a $34.99 Rufus plush on the ride.
The real bombshell, however, is the full Kim Possible overlay. The new experience will launch in tandem with the streaming series Kim Possible: Spy in Space!, which executives describe as “what happens when you take a beloved early-2000s cartoon and give it a $180 million budget and zero memory of what made it good.”
Park officials are reportedly thrilled.
“Guests have been asking for more opportunities to shop while they wait in line for decades,” said one Imagineering spokesperson who asked not to be named because he still has to walk through the parks. “Now they can purchase a limited-edition ‘What’s the Sitch?’ light-up lanyard, a Rufus-themed popcorn bucket that actually digs, and a Kim Possible utility belt that holds nothing but credit cards. It’s immersion.”
Another official added, “The side-by-side seating really lets families bond. Or at least feel slightly awkward as they grab each other when the mole-rat animatronic pops out.”
Disney Adults, never ones to miss a branding opportunity, are already planning their response. Several self-described “Kim Possible cosplay ambassadors” have announced they will attend in full costume. Sources close to the community note that the women intending to dress as Kim “really ought to consider adding a jacket or, at minimum, a slightly longer skirt,” while the men preparing to cosplay as Rufus have begun full-body shaving regimens that medical professionals describe as “medically unnecessary and spiritually concerning.”
One particularly committed guest from Ohio was overheard saying, “I’ve already ordered the custom pink mole-rat onesie. If they won’t let me ride naked, the onesie is the next best thing. Rufus would want this.”
While many of the media and fans in attendance continue to make mountains out of molehills, D’Amaro is expected to frame the changes positively. Insiders say he and Dana Walden “saw the opportunity to incorporate one of our newer generation of guests’ most beloved characters, Rufus, into one of my Magic Kingdom favorites.” The executive is also expected to emphasize that the single-track design “actually increases throughput if you ignore the part where it doesn’t.”
Guests who preferred the original Space Mountain’s pure, character-free terror are being gently directed toward the gift shop, where they can purchase a commemorative pin that reads “I Survived the Refurb and All I Got Was This Naked Mole-Rat.”
The presentation is scheduled for Saturday. Bring your wallet. And maybe a razor, just in case.
